As I am stood ironing this morning I have begun to ponder over my life...all 43 years of it. There have been many 'What If's' and a few regrets too.
My main 'What if' is if I had attended school more. Unfortunately, my Mum suffered with bouts of depression and agoraphobia when I was growing up. From about Yr 3 my attendance went down hill. I left school with 7 CSE's, which considering I was very rarely there is a bloody miracle. So I think, what if I had attended more I could have done so much better for myself.
My main regret in life comes from when my Mum died. She was taken into hospital as she was quite poorly but at the time we were told it was not life threatening. I had been to see her on that Thursday morning. She was drugged up to her eyeballs with medication and although she could not speak, I believe she could hear. I stayed with her for about an hour and left just as the physiotherapist arrived. I said goodbye to her and told her I would not be up until next Monday as we were going away for the weekend. I put my ticket into the paying machine in the car park and made my way back to my car. Just then I had a overwhelming urge that I needed to go back to my Mum and tell her that I loved her. This is strange as although I had a very close relationship with my Mum we never actually told each other how we felt...i.e. I Love You. I was in a quandary as I had already paid and needed to exit the car park within 10 min's, which was not enough time to go back to her ward. I sat in the car and decided that I would make the effort on Monday and tell her how I felt, and drove home.
My Dad called around 3.00pm to say the hospital had called and asked him to go straight there. I started to panic and called DH at work and asked him to come home to look after the children so I could go back to the hospital. I got to the hospital at around 4.00pm but it was too late, she had gone.
Now, I know in my heart that my Mum knew that I loved her but I will live with this regret for the rest of my life.
Do you ever feel that you are just existing and not living, like life is one big treadmill? Well I do. I always seem to be living for the next weekend, then it's the next pay day, then it's the next school holiday...it just goes on and on.
I need to do something to get out of this rut but I don't know what. Maybe I am depressed again. I have had a couple bouts of depression since I had a miscarriage 10 years ago. My teens were not too good either as I had an eating disorder...although to look at me know you would never had thought it!
I'm a glass half empty sort of person, not half full.
Can we change ourselves I wonder?
Oh well, back to the ironing.
Sue x
I couldnt read this and not post, my dad died 9 years agao and was paraylse and in a drug induced coma for the last 17 days of his life. I never told him goodbye or I love him to his awake self and this really upset me, but I feel that he knew how I felt as I often hold him how much I loved him, infact I was a daddys girl.
ReplyDeleteAh shucks Now I am sobbing. I will come back later
Hugs Smiffy
ReplyDeleteI think that we all live with regrets...My Mom passed away 2 years ago, and despite being so close, it was hard for us to say "I love you" to each other...I don't know why...The fews times I did manage to say them, I knew I didn't really have to, because she knew--I'm telling you this, because as you know, your Mom knew how you felt too. Don't ever think that she didn't--Your children know without your telling them, so it's the same thing. Maybe the feeling you had was her "spirit" telling YOU that she loved you and the feeling of wanting to return to her came from that. Don't look back and have regrets--Your Mom wouldn't want you too...As far as feeling down, many people are right now. It's just the time of year--It'll get better. Hang in there and know that you have friends and family who care about you--Even if they don't say it... :-)
ReplyDeleteBless you. I don't think we can change how we are or how we feel, I think we are made like that. My husband is bipolar, he suffers dreadfully & Amy too suffers bad bouts of depression.....it's in our genes! I won't say cheer up as I know it doesn't work that way! stay strong though....xxx
ReplyDeleteShe knew. I never say it nor mum to me but we love each other so much.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post - sometimes we need a human one amongst all the fun. I think it's perfectly normal to feel like you do - life can be a drudge & dull. I try not to have regrets but was only talking about my dad with Joe earlier - how great a grand dad he would have been to him. But dad died - he was a very heavy drinker & eventually had dementia so we will never know.
I suffer from depression too but keep fairly level these days & am happy but then it doesn't take much to make me happy.
Don't dwell on it - I'm sure you don't need to be hard on yourself - we all do it but it doesn't get us anywhere.
Take care xx